Is This Mine to Hold? When Support Becomes Micromanagement

Jan 9

As a therapist, who works with a lot of high achieving professionals, and eldest daughters. I see a common dynamic in my therapy practice that I would love to shed some light on. It can often sound like this: Your partner casually mentions they'd like to be on their phone less, and cut down their instagram use.. Weeks later, you notice they're still scrolling and posting stories regularly.. So you bring it up: "Hey, I thought you wanted to cut back on Instagram, What happened?" On the surface, this seems harmless, maybe even supportive. You think you are just reminding them of their own goal, right and helping them be “the best version of themselves”?

But here's what we need to examine: Is this really mine to hold?

If your partner set this intention themselves and asked for your help staying accountable, that's one thing. But if they mentioned it once in passing, and now you've appointed yourself the phone police, I invite you to gently and lovingly check in with yourself.

The same applies to other common scenarios:

Reminding them about their spin class when they haven't asked you to
Commenting on their food choices because they once mentioned eating healthier
Monitoring their screen time, or telling them tips on how to manage their difficult relationship with their boss

These actions might feel like care, but they can quickly become micromanagement disguised as “love.” Many of us learned this pattern early in life, often as children who came to believe that if we could manage what felt unsafe outside our bodies, we could feel safer inside. When I use the word safe here, I’m referring to physical and emotional safety at the level of the nervous system.

You grew up in an environment where you felt responsible for a parent’s mood or sobriety, or took on the role of your siblings’ second mom or therapist: you may have developed a hypervigilant “manager” part, or, if you’re an eldest daughter, what I call the eldest daughter part. You learned to track, monitor, and intervene, but out of survival.

This part was brilliant. It helped you survive. But in safe adult relationships, especially romantic partnerships, it can create tricky dynamics and leave your partner feeling shut down. What once protected you can now tip your relationship toward imbalance.

We need to ask ourselves the question: Am I taking responsibility for something that belongs to me or is this my partner’s to hold themselves?

When we come from care, true support looks like:

Respecting their autonomy: Trusting them to manage their own goals and consequences
Holding space: Being there to listen when they struggle, without fixing or managing
Checking your motivation: Am I doing this for them or because I feel anxious when they don't follow through?

Control disguised as care looks like:

Tracking behaviors they never asked you to monitor
Feeling responsible for their choices from how they navigate a meeting at work to what they ate for breakfast
Experiencing anxiety or frustration when they don't meet your expectations of their goals
Offering unsolicited "accountability"

Often, the urge to "coach" your partner comes from your own discomfort. When they don't follow through on something, this may be anxiety about their wellbeing, your frustration by perceived inconsistency, or your projected fears about yourself.

This anxiety is understandable, but it's yours to manage: not theirs to fix by changing their behavior. The work isn't getting your partner to do the thing. The work is learning to tolerate your discomfort when they don't.

This way we are creating a container to hold space rather than applying pressure. The healthiest relationships honor each person's autonomy: even when that means watching your partner struggle, change their mind, or not follow through. Real intimacy comes from trusting your partner to navigate their own life while you navigate yours and choosing to walk alongside each other, not in front of or behind. Often, the most loving thing you can do is to step back, manage your own anxiety, and fully trust your partner to be the adult they are.