Experiential Avoidance

As humans, we avoid feeling discomfort like the plague—especially emotional discomfort like sadness, grief, anger, shame. As a therapist, I get a front-row seat to how avoidance shows up in so many different ways for people. And as a human myself, I get it—feeling emotional discomfort is hard! In fact, as I write this blog, I’m resisting the urge to pick up my phone and check my text messages just to avoid sitting with the frustration of writer’s block. Talk about a real-time example of avoidance.

Avoidance often brings short-term relief—a quick fix that helps us escape discomfort in the moment. But the problem arises when avoidance becomes our go-to strategy. When we habitually avoid discomfort, it can start to interfere with the lives we’re trying to build.

A helpful framework for understanding this pattern is a concept I find helpful called experiential avoidance. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) this refers to efforts to escape or avoid unwanted internal experiences—like thoughts, emotions, memories, or bodily sensations—even when doing so comes at a personal cost or prevents us from living meaningfully.

Here are some of the most common forms of avoidance I see in my therapy practice

Cognitive Avoidance – Suppressing or avoiding unwanted thoughts, beliefs, or self-judgments.

Emotional Avoidance – Steering clear of emotions like sadness or anger by avoiding situations that might trigger them.

Behavioral Avoidance – Withdrawing from people, opportunities, or challenges to avoid uncomfortable feelings (e.g., not applying for a job due to fear of rejection).

Overthinking or Overengagement – Getting caught in mental loops or staying excessively busy to avoid what's really going on inside. (overworking, busying ourselves, the mental rumination)

Each of these strategies can be adaptive in the short term. But when avoidance becomes a consistent pattern, it can dull our experiences and distance us from what actually matters to us such as living a rich and meaningful life in alignment with our values. When we use avoidance chronically, we begin turning down the volume on our life—not just the painful parts, but the meaningful ones too.

Let me give you a quick example in the context for those who struggle with body image. For example, imagine you have a moment where you catch your reflection in a mirror or feel your clothes fit differently, and a negative body image thought rushes in: “I’ve gained weight,” or “I’ve let myself go by allowing myself dessert this week.” Rather than staying with the discomfort of that thought or exploring what it’s connected to, your nervous system moves into avoidance mode — not just emotionally, but behaviorally.

You might immediately book a high-intensity workout class, compulsively plan your meals, or scroll fitness influencers on social media for "motivation." On the surface, it looks like you're being "disciplined" or "getting back on track," but underneath, your system is trying to escape the emotional pain of existing in a body that doesn’t match the internalized thin ideal which keeps us stuck in disordered eating patterns often. The action is less about genuine care and more about urgently trying to fix the feeling.

By building tolerance to feel and experience emotions and difficult thoughts we can actually turn up the volume on how full and beautiful our lives are.

If you are looking for a therapist in NYC to help with avoidance, I am currently accepting clients for therapy at my office in Midtown Manhattan.